Losing my Pacers....

"One of my old pastors once told me that there are 3 critical people that you should always have in your life... a pacer, a racer, and a tracer." ~Isaiah Whelply~
These are words of wisdom that I got one day from my friend/ home group leader. He explained to me that your pacer is the person that you look up to. Of course the ultimate pacer for us all is God, but this is more of a tangible pacer. The one whom you feel comfortable going to in times of crisis. The one who you can seek guidance from and feel they are directing you down the right path. Then there comes the racer. He explained to me that your racers are those who are taking life's journey with you. The people who come along beside you and encourage you when you slow down because they too are going through the same thing and can relate. I think that there are two types of racers in everyones life, those who are there for a season, and those you can count on to race beside you for the rest of your life. Finally we come to the tracer. The tracer in your life is the person(s) who are following after you, in other words you are THEIR pacer. Well I say all that to tell you that in a sense I am losing my pacers and I have mixed feelings about it. I joined my church about a year and a half ago and I came to it a very broken person. I had been burned by some members of my previous church, who I THOUGHT were my extended family, and it was also during that time that things were starting to get REALLY bad with my mom and her drinking. When I first got there I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I was still nursing my wounds from my previous church and was determined not to let people in and hurt me again. Now anyone who knows Southlands knows that this is simply impossible. This church has an affinity for healing the broken hearted and I can not even begin to count the number of times that I have encountered people who told me, " I came to Southlands a very broken person." The people there are SO genuine that you can't help but let them in. Well it just so happened that one Wednesday I went to Prayer group (when we still met at the Brea Community Center) and stood next to this couple that I had seen before, but never talked to. As soon as prayer was over the girl introduced herself as Kat Whelply and her husband as Isaiah Whelply. She said that they had seen me around church and always wanted to talk to me but I always seemed to disappear as soon as church was over (I told you I was determined not to let anyone in). After a short chat she asked me if I had a life group and I said No and came to find out that they lived very close to me. She invited me to a girls night she was having and told me that the next week they would be meeting as a life group. That was the start of a beautiful friendship/mentorship. I have been SO blessed to have the Whelps in my life and I don't think they know just how much they have influenced my life. It's funny cos I was always envious of those people who would say," So and so is my mentor," and then they fell into my lap. They have been there for me through all of the nonsense with my mom and throughout the whole process with my foot. One of the funniest memories I have of them was one Monday evening they came over to take me out to dinner. I spent the entire evening waiting nervously for them to tell me something. In my mind I thought I had done something bad and they were going to reprimand me, when in reality they were just being the kind, generous people that they are and taking me out to dinner.
Tonight I have a heavy heart because on Tuesday tmy pacers will be moving to North Carolina. I am so torn up about this because on the one hand I am VERY excited about what God has in store for them ( they are going to help some friends who planted a church there almost 2 years ago) and on the other hand I am very sad to see them go. It's been hard to put on a brave face, and I have been doing a pretty good job in their presence, but as soon as I am alone the tears begin to flow. I know that I am not really "losing" them but they are no longer right down the street, within reach. This is going to be one of the hardest weekends for me because I don't want them to leave with a memory of my miserable face, so for them I will pull myself up by my invisible boot straps and I will send them off with a smile and a warm hug and look forward to the next chapter in our lives.

God speaks...

My sister and I were discussing the many ways that God speaks to us the night before I left her new house and headed back home. Sometimes He uses other people to speak to us. How many times have you been thinking about something and a loved one brings up the topic without you having said a word and it gives you a fresh perspective on it? Sometimes He uses His word to speak to us. How many times have you read a particular Bible verse and either your home group leader or your pastor decides to preach on it, or a friend sends it to you in a text or e-mail saying, " I thought you could use this..." Then there are the times when He uses imagery (i.e a book or t.v program) or even our dreams to speak to us. I think that people (myself included sometimes) think that if we do not hear a voice in our heads physically SPEAKING to us, then God is not communicating with us and we miss imperative messages that He has for us because we are looking in the wrong place. I have thought A LOT about this lately and I have come to the conclusion that He chooses his method of communication based on what He feels will be most effective. For example, if you have made a vow to spend quality time immersed in the word and are being diligent about it, God would most likely choose that method to communicate his message. If there is a particular friend that we are spending a lot of time with, then that person would be the most likely messenger. Okay so now that I have spent an inordinate amount of time setting it up, let me tell you about the latest thing that God has shared with me. My life has been pretty chaotic lately, and I HATE when things get out of control. From my foot, to financial struggles, to my eye infection I have felt like a pebble in the midst of high tide, being tossed around and disoriented and feeling helpless. It seemed like every time I took a step forward, I was having to take 5 steps back and it was getting frustrating. So frustrating that I ended up in tears pouring my heart out to my sister and she told me in the simplest of terms, " Give it to God... let HIM take care of it. At least that's what Aaron tells me whenever I feel that way." I knew she was right, and I should just let God take care of things, but like I have said before I am a born worrier and it's a hard habit to quit. I'm saying all this because I had a dream the other night where I relived a portion of our trip back home from Jenn's house. I was sitting in the back of the truck, all cozy warm and reading a FABULOUS book and listening to the High Flight Society on my IPod, when I happened to look up. All around was a flurry of snow and the sky was gray and the hills (which had been brown on the ride up) were COMPLETELY white. I looked at my mom, who had a concerned look on her face, and then I looked at my dad who had a very focused and determined look on his face. For a brief moment i felt a sense of panic, because it looked really gruesome out there, but then I felt a sense of calmness wash over me because I know my dad is a skilled driver and I was confident that he was using those skills to guide us through the muck. Then, in that magical moment where the lines of sleep and consciousness are blurred, I heard a distinct voice whisper, " That's how I want you to feel about me..." I woke up startled after hearing the voice and as I rubbed my eyes and looked around my room, I realized that no one was in my room besides me and Riley, my golden retriever. I laid my head back on the pillow and contemplated the message I was just given. Although it was true that I had the briefest moment of panic, because the scene outside the truck was scary, I felt completely at ease knowing that my dad was driving because I knew he knew what he was doing. That's how God wants us to feel about him. Although the paths he takes down may look treacherous sometimes, He knows what He is doing and is the skilled driver in our lives that we should trust. Whenever I begin to doubt that I will remember that time in the truck and feel reassured once again. Until next time... blessings to you all!!!

We can even learn from cartoons...

It's funny how if you look hard enough you can see God in everything...EVEN a cartoon movie about dinosaurs. I have been thinking a lot lately about my resolution to question less and trust more. It hasn't been easy because like I have said before I am a born worrier, so task has been kind of difficult for me. So I was thinking about it again today (cos you know I have TONS of time to think as I am healing... it's a blessing and a curse at the same time) and I happened to be sort of half watching the movie "The Land Before Time," at the same time. There was a certain scene that quickly gained my full attention and had me marveling at the mysterious works of God. For those of you who have not seen the movie it's about a motley crew of children dinosaurs who are in search of the "Great Valley" because the place they had previously lived was devastated by an "earthshake" and lack of vegetation. So this group is heading to the Great Valley and as they are walking, their path begins to make a steep incline and the climbing is difficult. Suddenly Cera ( a VERY stubborn Triceratops) declares that she is going to go the opposite direction because it is an easier route. She is successful in talking all of the other dinosaurs into following her except for one, Little Foot. Little Foot refuses to turn the other direction because he says that his mother told him that this was the direction they were supposed to go. One little dino is wavering between the two paths but finally chooses to follow Cera because it is an easier route. Needless to say they quickly find out that the "easier" route is anything but and find themselves in a heap of trouble including almost being eaten by predators. So, had they followed Little Foot they would have had a difficult climb, but in the end they would have avoided coming into contact with the enemy. This reminded me soooooo much of our walk with God. I can remember many times when I was a Cera and thought that I knew which way I should be going and ignoring God's path for me because it just seemed too hard. Although lately I am more of a Ducky who wants to go the right way, but somehow gets talked into going the wrong direction. That's not to say that I blame others for my turning around, but still blame myself for being so weak minded that I am able to be talked into it. There is a major lesson to be learned by these little dinosaurs in that we need to be more like Little Foot and trust that our father knows better than us which way we should go. Even if the other path seems "easier," things aren't always what they seem. I continue to work on my resolve to question less and trust more and I STRONGLY suggest you do the same :o)
Blessings to all,
Krissy

I'm back

It's been a while since I have posted and it's all because this is the first time that I have been physically able to get to the computer. The past month has been a whirlwind for me, and not in a good way (although I am trusting God and know that something good will eventually come of it). It was one month ago when I came to my dad and said, " I think I need to go to the hospital.." The ugly secret that I had been hiding from my friends and family could no longer stay hidden and I had to get it out in the open. It was mid August when I developed a blister on the bottom of my toe and for the next few months as it got worse and worse, I kept trying in vain to convince myself that it was going to get better. I have this irrational fear of doctors that prevented me from going to one to find out WHY it wasn't getting better and it was this irrational fear that ultimately cost me my right big toe. You see the reason my toe was not getting better was that I am diabetic, and didn't know it at the time. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was ( I was feeling tired and nauseous and had quite a few headaches) but I was afraid of the diagnosis. For some reason, even though my sister and dad control theirs with pills, I had visions of having to give myself daily insulin shots and being needle phobic I let my irrational mind take over and decide that if I ignored the problem, it wasn't really there. Meanwhile my toe was slowly deteriorating. I know, it was as disgusting as it sounds. Because I ignored it for so long, I developed a painful infection that went all the way down to my bones and caused me right leg to swell to twice its size. I remember being fully aware of even little things like the way I was sitting, in the hopes that no one would notice my obviously swollen leg. After a while it hurt so bad that I started limping and then I made up stories about how I dropped stuff on my foot and bruised it. Eventually I couldn't hide it anymore because I developed a huge blood blister on the side of my foot and could no longer wear a shoe. That was a month ago when I ended up in the hospital and losing my toe. Ever since then I have been kicking myself for not going and getting it checked out sooner. This is one of my character flaws that I CONSTANTLY struggle with. I hate uncomfortable situations and so I try to ignore them and pretend like they are not happening. I used to think that I was just a procrastinator, but when you combine it with the fact that I am a constant worrier, it's deadly sometimes. I don't quite know what it is going to take for me to start staring things in the face and just dealing with them as they come, but hopefully this is my "rock bottom" and I will be able to work on this problem of mine. I have been going NUTS because I am not allowed to really walk on my foot so I am confined to the house. People were really great in the beginning calling me and visiting me in the hospital, but most have since gone on with their lives and I have become the forgotten one. Not that I expect constant attention or anything, but I long for some outside communication. I have LOOOOONG since grown tired of t.v and have started to read some books ( I am currently reading a book called "Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict") I did manage to get to church twice on Sunday ( thanks to my friend Beth, who went out of her way to pick me up) and it felt sooooooo good not only to see my friends again, but to soak in the very energizing presence of the Holy Spirit. I can't remember the verse exactly but it says in the Bible wherever two or more are gathered so shall I be. There is something about Southlands Church that as soon as you walk in you just FEEL the overwhelming presence of God and it feels like coming home. Anyways I got off subject... So that explains my long absence and lack of posts, but since I am able to get to the office and have PLENTY of time on my hands, expect many more posts to come. I decided that my resolution for '09 (besides working on getting healthy) is to trust God more, and question him less. Only he knows the reasons for the things that happen in my life and I am going to trust that he is taking care of things.