I'm back

It's been a while since I have posted and it's all because this is the first time that I have been physically able to get to the computer. The past month has been a whirlwind for me, and not in a good way (although I am trusting God and know that something good will eventually come of it). It was one month ago when I came to my dad and said, " I think I need to go to the hospital.." The ugly secret that I had been hiding from my friends and family could no longer stay hidden and I had to get it out in the open. It was mid August when I developed a blister on the bottom of my toe and for the next few months as it got worse and worse, I kept trying in vain to convince myself that it was going to get better. I have this irrational fear of doctors that prevented me from going to one to find out WHY it wasn't getting better and it was this irrational fear that ultimately cost me my right big toe. You see the reason my toe was not getting better was that I am diabetic, and didn't know it at the time. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was ( I was feeling tired and nauseous and had quite a few headaches) but I was afraid of the diagnosis. For some reason, even though my sister and dad control theirs with pills, I had visions of having to give myself daily insulin shots and being needle phobic I let my irrational mind take over and decide that if I ignored the problem, it wasn't really there. Meanwhile my toe was slowly deteriorating. I know, it was as disgusting as it sounds. Because I ignored it for so long, I developed a painful infection that went all the way down to my bones and caused me right leg to swell to twice its size. I remember being fully aware of even little things like the way I was sitting, in the hopes that no one would notice my obviously swollen leg. After a while it hurt so bad that I started limping and then I made up stories about how I dropped stuff on my foot and bruised it. Eventually I couldn't hide it anymore because I developed a huge blood blister on the side of my foot and could no longer wear a shoe. That was a month ago when I ended up in the hospital and losing my toe. Ever since then I have been kicking myself for not going and getting it checked out sooner. This is one of my character flaws that I CONSTANTLY struggle with. I hate uncomfortable situations and so I try to ignore them and pretend like they are not happening. I used to think that I was just a procrastinator, but when you combine it with the fact that I am a constant worrier, it's deadly sometimes. I don't quite know what it is going to take for me to start staring things in the face and just dealing with them as they come, but hopefully this is my "rock bottom" and I will be able to work on this problem of mine. I have been going NUTS because I am not allowed to really walk on my foot so I am confined to the house. People were really great in the beginning calling me and visiting me in the hospital, but most have since gone on with their lives and I have become the forgotten one. Not that I expect constant attention or anything, but I long for some outside communication. I have LOOOOONG since grown tired of t.v and have started to read some books ( I am currently reading a book called "Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict") I did manage to get to church twice on Sunday ( thanks to my friend Beth, who went out of her way to pick me up) and it felt sooooooo good not only to see my friends again, but to soak in the very energizing presence of the Holy Spirit. I can't remember the verse exactly but it says in the Bible wherever two or more are gathered so shall I be. There is something about Southlands Church that as soon as you walk in you just FEEL the overwhelming presence of God and it feels like coming home. Anyways I got off subject... So that explains my long absence and lack of posts, but since I am able to get to the office and have PLENTY of time on my hands, expect many more posts to come. I decided that my resolution for '09 (besides working on getting healthy) is to trust God more, and question him less. Only he knows the reasons for the things that happen in my life and I am going to trust that he is taking care of things.